I’m aware that there have likely been millions, if not billions of terrible OkCupid messages sent since the site was first created. They can be creepy, condescending, incomprehensible, awkward, ridiculous, and sometimes, downright mean. However, I’m going to go on record as saying that the message you’re about to read is the absolute BEST of the WORST when it comes to messages on OkCupid. It’s got it all: Desperation, Delusion, Misogyny, Fat Shaming… (Aside: If you read that in Stefon’s voice, you might be my soulmate. Just sayin’.) Seriously, you guys, it’s amazingly, awesomely bad. So without further hesitation, I give you the following message, which I received from a 45 year old San Diego man who goes by Mbainsd on OkCupid… (Posted in it’s entirety with bold portions added by yours truly for effect. A full analysis of the text will be provided below the message.)
“OK, so here we are..looking for a new and lasting relationship. The internet is a double-edged sword..you have access to a great number of people, but with one wrong move or a misinterpreted statement, with just click of a mouse, we are HISTORY, gone..and the woman is onto the next ad. But, as you may already have experienced it, most people in here are not worth it and you may not like me, in that case I will give you 2 options, if you don’t like me please go to option 2:
Option 1:
You sound very nice. If you enjoy the company of smart educated upscale men I would welcome an opportunity to getting to know you. I have a BS in Industrial and Mechanical Engineering and I’m also an MBA graduate. I’m a 45/6’3″/180#, clean cut, classy, old fashioned, well dressed and trendy man, with excellent manners, sense of humor, and very handsome (ask my Mom), but a bad speller. I enjoy different activities, including traveling, dancing, jogging, tennis, snow skiing, movies (at home or theater), concerts, restaurants, cooking, people watching, Sea World, Disneyland and the Zoo. I also would like to learn how to roller blade, and taking salsa classes. I am a nonsmoker nondrinker, and of course I don’t do any drugs. I enjoy a healthy life style, including exercising and healthy eating. I am a divorced father of one little boy, with shared custody. I live in San Diego. I work for a manufacturing company as the VP of Operations. We have plants in Europe, Mexico and also in the US. I also teach part time at a local university in San Diego in the School of Business/MBA program. I look forward to hearing back from you.
Option 2:
I know you are not looking for a man like me, but do you have a friend/relative looking for an educated, upscale, tall, handsome, slim and fit, well dressed and sometimes a good cook kind of man? I am 6’3”/180#, MBA graduate and Mechanical Engineer. As the MasterCard commercial says: Brand New House…One Million Dollar, Mercedes S63…$160,000, Range Rover…$105,000, BMW 750…$110,000, Armani Suit…$2,000, Rolex Watch…$10,000, Finding a good man…Priceless. Keep me posted if you think of a smart slim slender thin trim petite fit woman with class and a sense of fashion looking for a great man. A stay at home wife/soccer mom wanna be will be a plus, but if she wants to work she can always run one of my businesses. It’s easier to schedule trips and travel when only one mate works. Best of luck with your ad.”
Did you get all that? Wanna read it again, just to make sure? Okay, good. Let’s dive into this mess, shall we? The first paragraph isn’t too bad. It reads like countless other opening paragraphs of OkCupid messages I’ve received. An awkward first line, a little “cover your ass” statement about how he could be misinterpreted and the lamentation that his message might go unacknowledged (Spoiler Alert: It did.). But then, it suddenly gets interesting when he decides to “give you 2 options” and without telling you really anything about himself, instructs you to go to “Option 2” if you don’t like him. Well thanks so much, random internet dude, for giving me my options! My feeble lady brain might not have otherwise figured out what to do with your message. Seriously, I might have ended up staring at my computer screen blankly for days had you not instructed me on exactly what I should be doing. Phew! That was a close one…
Okay, let’s look at Option 1. After all, we don’t really know yet that we don’t like him, so we should probably start there instead of proceeding directly to Option 2, right? Right. So what do we have here? He opens strong with a compliment: “You sound very nice.” Why thank you, kind sir! Unfortunately, he follows it up with this line: “If you enjoy the company of smart educated upscale men I would welcome an opportunity to getting to know you.” Hmmm… Most of the smart, educated men I’ve come into contact with not only understand the value of a strategically placed comma, but they know the proper usage of the verb “get”. Yeah, okay, I’m being a grammar nazi here, and I recognize that. But if you’re going to use several adjectives to describe your intellect, then you should probably have the writing skills to back it up. (God help me if there is so much as one mistake in this blog post. You all are going to crucify me, aren’t you? Meh. I’ll probably deserve it.) Anyway… He goes on to offer some details about himself (with appropriate citations, of course. Just ask his mom!) and gives us a laundry list of interests that seem entirely generic to me, but I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt at this point and assume he really is into rollerblading and salsa dancing. But here’s where he really starts to lose me: “I am a nonsmoker nondrinker, and of course I don’t do any drugs.” Clearly, this man is no fun at all. (And CLEARLY he did not read my profile because this gal loves her craft beer and G&Ts!) Sorry, man. I’m pretty sure we’re not meant to be together. I’m seriously considering just skipping directly to Option 2 at this point, but I’m polite, so I’m going to read the rest of this paragraph. (Blah blah… divorced, father, work stuff… blah blah…) “I look forward to hearing back from you.” Yeeeeaaaah… Probably not gonna happen though.
Okay, on to Option 2. You’ve already read the message so you know that this is where it REALLY gets good. You start to see a little bit of crazy coming through in those first two paragraphs, but Option 2 is where he really throws caution to the wind and lets his big ol’ freak flag fly! Straight out the gate he opens with “I know you are not looking for a man like me, but do you have a friend/relative looking for an educated, upscale, tall, handsome, slim and fit, well dressed and sometimes a good cook kind of man?” Okay, guy, here’s something you should know about me: If I don’t think you’re good enough to date me, then you SURE AS HELL aren’t good enough to date one of my awesome friends! We’re talking about some of the most amazing women in the world, for Christ’s sake! Not. A. Chance. (Besides, you’re only “sometimes a good cook…” Child, please!) Oh, but you obviously think you can sway my opinion by creating an asinine list of all the fancy shit you own in the style of an advertising campaign that has been played out for a decade now. “As the MasterCard commercial says: Brand New House…One Million Dollar, Mercedes S63…$160,000, Range Rover…$105,000, BMW 750…$110,000, Armani Suit…$2,000, Rolex Watch…$10,000, Finding a good man…Priceless.” Finding a good man really is priceless, but you, sir, are a douche bag. Nay! You are the KING of the douche bags! What’s priceless is the fact that I’ll forever have this example to point to if ever someone asks me what I mean when I say “That guy’s a douche bag.” So thanks for that!
This next part is my absolute favorite, though. He wants me to “keep him posted” if I find a “slim slender thin trim petite fit woman” who might be into him. In case you weren’t counting like I was, that’s SIX adjectives he used as a synonym for skinny. Cut the crap, man. Just say “No fatties!” like the rest of your fellow OkCupid assclowns and call it a day. Oh, and by the way, did you even bother to look at my photos? Because darlin’, none of those words could be used to describe me! Why did you even message me in the first place? Wait… Now I get it! Those first two paragraphs were a (not so) clever ruse to get me to hook you up with one of my skinny friends, weren’t they?! Well, guess what, homeboy? This fat girl isn’t so easily manipulated.
Just when you start to think, “Okay, that’s obviously the worst of it, right? He’s already exposed himself as a rich, clueless, fat-phobic douche bag. There’s nothing left!” He hits you with some good old fashioned misogyny. (That’s a BINGO for those of you who are playing along.) “A stay at home wife/soccer mom wanna be will be a plus, but if she wants to work she can always run one of my businesses. It’s easier to schedule trips and travel when only one mate works.” Wooooow… Allow me to translate this for those of you who aren’t fluent in Mansplaining: “Take off your shoes, let me put a baby in you, get back to the kitchen and make me a sandwich, bitch!” So here’s the thing: This man doesn’t want a woman, he wants a maid that he can fuck sometimes. He doesn’t want a partner, he wants a mindless drone that he can control. He’s not looking for a companion, he’s looking for arm candy to show off in public and abuse in private. It’s fucking pathetic. Men like this should all go die in a fire. So let’s all give a big double finger salute to Mr. Mbainsd, for giving us the best example I’ve found of how NOT to pick up women.
Oh, and here’s a picture of this winner, because I know you’re all dying to see what a magnificent specimen he is…
Eff That S! 