I figure this is a decent enough topic for a first post, since it’s one of the bigger issues I’m dealing with at this point in my life. Some background… I’m in my early 30s. I’m single (obviously). I got out of a 5 year, long term relationship about a year ago, and I only recently started to feel like I was really ready to move on. The past year can be broken up as follows: 3-4 months grieving the loss of a relationship that I thought would result in marriage, 2-3 months of irrational anger towards my ex and his new girlfriend, remaining time spent partaking in some sort of partying/therapy hybrid mode with my very best friends. (Is there anything that time, some venting, and a fuck ton of gin & tonics won’t fix? If there is, I haven’t encountered it yet and I don’t want to.)
The other notable point I should probably make before I move on to discussing my process and feelings about dating on the interwebs is that I’m kind of fat. (GASP! SHOCK!) Yeah, that’s right, I said it. I’m kind of fat. Before you concern troll me, know that I’m not morbidly obese or anything, but I’ve definitely been shamed by various ex-boyfriends, mean girls, and one very snarky Wii Fit avatar. You might be wondering why this is even relevant. Perhaps you think I’m fishing for compliments, but let me assure you that I’m not. (And I’m rather terrible at accepting them, so if you were thinking of showering me with platitudes or using friendly euphemisms like “voluptuous”, just save it. I honestly hate that shit.) My weight is relevant to this conversation because I’m about 50-70 lbs too heavy to fit in with the conventional beauty standards that reign supreme here in Sunny San Diego. As such, my online dating experience is going to differ wildly from someone who is petite and conventionally attractive, and I feel it’s important to make that distinction so as to remain relatable.
At any rate, let’s talk about online dating, shall we? My online dating cesspool of choice is OkCupid, though I’m sure there’s not a whole lot of difference in user experiences on that site vs. other sites like Plenty of Fish or Match.com. I keep trying to convince myself that perhaps people are less creepy on sites that require you to pay for them, but I recently (and noncommittally) dipped my toes into the Match.com pool, and if anything, those dudes seem even more creepy than the OkCupid guys, so I’m back to square one with that theory. Anyway, like any other living, breathing woman with a pulse and the ability to take a reasonably flattering selfie, my profile gets a pretty decent amount of traffic. Not size 4, athletic, blonde girl traffic, mind you, but I still get multiple messages every day, particularly on days when I actually bother to go online and check out profiles.
Many of the messages I get are extremely short, poorly punctuated fragments like “hello” or “hey there” or the ever eloquent “what’s good beautiful”. And then there are the messages that are laughably terrible, the best of which I plan to post for your amusement under the “Okaaaaaaay Cupid…” tag on this blog. But every now and again, I get a decent, thoughtful message from a guy who doesn’t have a neckbeard and isn’t wearing a fedora, and I won’t lie, I get really excited when that happens. However, that sets into motion what I like to call the Online Dating Vetting Process.
First and foremost, I thoroughly read through a guy’s profile to try and suss out any trace evidence that there might be a fedora or 20 hidden in his closet, and he’s just wised up to the fact that he shouldn’t wear them in his profile pictures. Anything like a list of attributes women shouldn’t have is a clear red flag. Comments like “Most women are (insert gender specific stereotype here)” are a red flag. Phrases like, “I’m a nice guy!” or “Are you looking for someone who will treat you the way a woman should be treated?” Yep. You guessed it. Red. Flag. And last, but not least, if someone lists Atlas Shrugged as a favorite book or Ayn Rand as a favorite author… HUGE FUCKING RED FLAG. (People who are really into Ayn Rand are sociopaths and should be avoided at all costs. Sorry-not-sorry.)
Next, it’s time to look at pictures. That’s right, ladies and gents! I don’t look at the photos first. You know why? Because I don’t believe looks are the most important thing. Maybe you do, and that’s cool. But I’m all about those big, sexy brains. So if a guy knocks my socks off with an awesome profile, those few extra pounds or that lack of a full head of hair isn’t really going to bother me. Sure, looks matter to an extent, and anyone who says otherwise is probably lying. But given that I spend a fair amount of time challenging conventional beauty standards, it would be hypocritical of me to impose them on the people I’m trying to date. So, while I’m scrutinizing the pictures, here are the things I look for: Sincerity. Merriment (There’s nothing worse than someone who is trying to look “too cool for school” in every damn picture. SMILE ONCE IN AWHILE!). The ability to not take oneself too seriously. And lastly, I tend to be wary of guys who have a girl with them in every single photo. I get that maybe you’re not the type to take photos on your own, but come on! Ever heard of the “crop” tool? You can do that on your phone now, even! You know what makes a girl feel uneasy? The idea that she’s might end up going out with a guy who is so clearly hung up on his “best friend” that he left her in every single picture he posted on his online dating site. Cut that shit out, fellas! (To be honest, this advice isn’t just for the fellas. Ladies, same rules apply. On or two friend photos? Awesome. But you have to have some individual photos in the mix too.)
Lastly, and I realize that this is unique to OkCupid, I read the answers to his questions and compare them against mine. This is often even more telling than the profile itself, especially if you happen to find someone who explains his answers. Sure, an 85% match score probably seems quite high, until you’re scrolling through his answers and realize that he considers it impossible for someone to be attractive if they are even slightly overweight and also, he thinks it’s okay to use other peoples’ toothbrushes. (There really is a question for everything. Thanks OkCupid!) If by some small miracle, someone manages to get through these three levels of scrutiny and still seems like a cool guy, then it’s time to write a response message.
the best messages that I receive on OkCupid are the ones that make reference to something in my profile, and ask me questions about it. For example, I’m a big fan of 90’s rock and alternative music (because I’m awesome) and I talk about that in the “My Favorites” portion of my profile. One of the best messages I’ve received lately was from a guy who stated that he was also very into 90’s music, and asked the following: “If you could make an ultimate 90’s playlist using only 5 songs, which 5 songs would you choose?” Guys, I might still have responded to that message if the dude was wearing a fedora in his profile photo and started the message with “M’lady…” That’s how enthusiastic I am about talking about my favorite songs from the 90’s. (Thankfully that wasn’t the case and he seems like a pretty cool guy.) Needless to say, I wrote back.
I like to give it a maximum of 5 messages (combined for both of us) before someone sets a date to meetup, and honestly, sooner is better in my opinion. That’s because the absolute, single most important thing I’ve learned in my time spent dating online is that I can’t gauge chemistry without meeting in person. I can’t tell you how many really cute guys with great profiles who wrote awesome messages and with whom I had great banter ended up being completely underwhelming when I met them in person. (And in many cases, I suspect the feeling was mutual.) You just never can tell. So rather than waste my time messaging back and forth for weeks, I like to set up a meeting as soon as possible so that I can determine whether or not there’s even a snowball’s chance in hell of things moving forward.
This leads me to what I consider to be the most difficult part of online dating, hands down. Waiting for the first date. Friends, let me be honest for a minute and tell you that I have absolutely no idea what to think or how to feel leading up to a first date with someone I’ve met online. And I’ve gone on dozens of them by this point! Here’s the thing… Because I know that you can’t really determine whether or not you’ll have chemistry based on the messages you’ve exchanged, I try not to let myself get my hopes up too much because that just seems like I’m setting myself up for disappointment. (I’ve gone on a lot of first dates, but only a handful of second dates, and even fewer third dates. Only one guy so far has made it past date three, and he was really amazing, but sadly, a relationship just wasn’t in the cards for us.) On the other hand, though, I feel like I’m setting these poor guys up for failure. All those bad first dates have made me jaded, and my first instinct is just to expect mediocrity, but I know that’s really not fair. I would hate it if I knew someone was thinking of me that way. So if apathy is bad, but caring too much is also bad, what’s left? I don’t know if I’ll ever find an answer to that question. For now, the days prior to an OkCupid date always make me feel a little manic. I fluctuate between getting really excited, and then counteracting that excitement with a large dose of cynicism. I’m hopeful, but realistic. I give bullshit answers when people ask me questions like, “Are you excited?” because honestly, it’s not even worth it to try and explain these feelings to someone else who is probably just making polite conversation and doesn’t really care anyway.
So yeah. Those are my thoughts on online dating. I kind of hate it, but since I’m no longer in school and there aren’t an abundance of available single men in my established social sphere, I find it to be a necessary evil if I want to actually meet new people. A friend of mine described it thusly: “You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince!” and man, ain’t that the truth! But it only takes one awesome guy to make the experience worthwhile, and I’m still optimistic. I even have a third date scheduled for tomorrow night with 90’s Music Guy, so wish me luck!
Eff That S! 