I’m sure by now many of you have seen this video. You’ve probably also read one of the ten thousand opinion pieces that have already been written about it. I’m not usually one to jump on the “This issue went viral so I better dissect it to death” bandwagon, but this happens to be an issue that really resonates with me, so I’ve decided to weigh in (no pun intended… well maybe) and tell you what I think. I feel like it’s a safe assumption that if you’re reading this, you actually care to know my opinion and so you shall have it. Ready? Okay, here we go!
I’m a fat girl. I’m not morbidly obese, but I’m definitely at least 50 pounds heavier than I should be, if not more, depending on who you talk to and how skinny they think women should be. One guy once told me that at 5’5″, I should ideally weigh about 100 pounds. I think I was in elementary school the last time I weighed that. Also, that guy can go fuck himself. But I digress… My point is, everyone seems to have an opinion of what women should look like, women included, and that sucks. You know why? Because we’re all different and we’re not all supposed to look the same. I’m not sure when exactly the standard for beauty became so homogeneous (tall, skinny, white girls, anyone?) but it honestly makes me really sad. Because this need to reduce what’s considered desirable to it’s simplest form really stifles the complexity and variety of attraction. In other words, society dictates that we should all want this one thing (or that we should want to be that one thing in order to be desired) but many, if not most of us have much more varied tastes. However, because most people inherently crave acceptance, there is incredible pressure to put our actual desires on the back burner in order to conform to societal norms. And when that happens, people get left out. Fat girls (and guys) get left out. Short guys get left out. People of color get left out. People with disabilities get left out. This rampant close-mindedness about what constitutes beauty is excluding a HUGE portion of of our society, and quite frankly, that’s bullshit. It pisses me off. There’s so much beauty in this world and here we are, chasing only one aspect of it! SO FRUSTRATING!
Now, I’m not saying that we should immediately start ignoring everyone who is conventionally attractive or calling them ugly. That would negate the whole point I’m trying to make, which is that beauty comes in ALL shapes and sizes. What I’m saying is that I think it’s high time that we all stop being so afraid of being different. And stop being so afraid to date someone different! I think it’s beautifully expressed in that clip just how obsessed we are with what other people think of us based on who we date. Not only does she spell it out when she flatly accuses Louie of just that, but if you look at his body language and facial expressions even before that part of the conversation, he’s clearly uncomfortable with the idea of being seen with this girl even though he really likes her. I’ve been that girl. I’ve met my fair share of guys who really wanted to fuck me but who would never in a million years want to date me, because it would feel like “settling.” (Seriously, I’ve been told by a man that he didn’t feel like he should “settle” with me. Joke’s on him, though. I’m fucking awesome and not just in bed.) So, the bottom line is, if you like something, go for it. Fuck anyone who might try to shame you for liking someone who’s a little unconventional. Consider, if you will, Sir Mix-A-Lot. That man made a fortune by just being himself and talking about what he likes: big, juicy asses!
That’s one happy man!
Of course, the other side of this issue, perhaps the more important side, is learning how to love ourselves and our bodies, because how can we love others when we can’t even love ourselves? This, I realize, is no easy task. It’s taken me YEARS to obtain the tiny shred of appreciation that I have for my body, and I’m still working on it. Even when I was younger and thinner (though I was never actually “skinny”) I hated my body. Now, I look back at pictures of myself and I would gladly sacrifice a few non-essential digits to the Powers That Be in order to look like 20 year-old me again. (Who really needs pinky toes anyway, right?) This self-loathing is so ingrained in me that even when I’ve encountered men and women who have loved my body to the point of practically fetishizing it, I didn’t believe them. I thought, “Surely they’re just humoring me. Or worse, they’re trying to justify to themselves why they’re with someone who looks as hideous as I do.” DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED UP THAT IS?! Which is why, on the journey to improve my life that I mentioned in my last post, I’ve decided to make learning to love my body more a priority. One of the ways I’m working on that is by going to the gym. Not necessarily to lose weight. I have no delusions of looking like a Victoria’s Secret model anytime soon. But I want to get back the things I actually used to like about myself. I used to be terrifically flexible and much stronger, so I’m doing Pilates in the hopes that I’ll regain some of those traits. I used to be much more coordinated (and able to dance) so I’m doing Zumba. (You want to see something hilarious? Come to my gym on Monday mornings to watch this fat, clumsy, white girl try to dance. I can see myself in the mirror, and I can’t help but think that my uncoordinated movements would be better served by playing the Benny Hill theme song than the salsa music that’s usually playing.) But I feel like it’s worth it. In addition to hitting the gym, I’m just trying to appreciate myself more. Rather than focusing on the love handles or the cellulite, I’m choosing instead to acknowledge that I have really shiny hair, big, pretty eyes, magnificent boobs, and a pretty nicely shaped ass, even if it is a little bigger than I’d like it to be. (If it’s good enough for Sir Mix-A-Lot, it’s good enough for me!)
Lastly, I want to take a minute to address the amount of time we spend shaming ourselves and others for being fat. This behavior is unfortunately so natural in our society that we don’t even notice we’re doing it. A friend of mine posted a very insightful commentary on Facebook about this issue. Specifically, she referenced a conversation in which a woman tried to comfort her friend by telling her that the new girlfriend of her friend’s ex is “fatter than you!” Now obviously this woman meant to be comforting, but unfortunately, she failed. Miserably. I’m sure her friend didn’t really feel better after hearing that. I’ve been hearing similar comments lately, but it usually goes something like, “That girl your ex married might be thinner than you, but she isn’t nearly as pretty.” I understand that my girlfriends are being supportive when they say things like that, and I love them for it. But all I can think when I hear that is, “Oh great! It doesn’t matter how pretty I am because I’m still fat, and that trumps everything else.” Here’s the thing, putting down other people doesn’t ever really make us feel better. Maybe in the short term you get a little burst of instant gratification, but eventually, focusing on something negative only brings up more negative emotions. (That said, I’m nowhere NEAR perfect in this regard. I can be catty as fuck sometimes, but I always end up feeling rather petty afterwards, which sucks.) I think it’s important to weed out this kind of talk as much as possible, and I’m trying to make an honest effort to do so. It’s generally accepted that we shouldn’t go around mocking people with disabilities. Nobody I know would ever say something like, “That girl your ex is dating can’t even walk! She’s in a wheelchair! Haha, stupid cripple!” So let’s please stop saying things like, “At least she’s fatter than you!” I know it’s easy and convenient to think that all fat people are just lazy gluttons who lack self control, but that’s really not often true. You never know the circumstances that dictate a person’s choices. You have no idea what their struggle has been. And oh, by the way, there are lazy gluttons who are skinny and there are fat people who are healthy. Skinny ≠ Healthy.
So that’s my rant. If you enjoyed it, my name is Michaela and thank you for reading. If you didn’t enjoy it, my name is Jimmy Cracked Corn, and you know the rest.
Eff That S! 