Tag Archives: Dating

May 09 2014
2 Comments
Ruminations

Living Life vs. Surviving (Or: Why I Needed a Big Fucking Break!)

Hellooooooo readers! I know I’ve been absent for awhile. If I’ve left a big, gaping void in your lives that can only be filled by my snarky, mediocre-at-best ramblings, then you have my sincerest apologies. (Also, maybe it’s time to review your life choices and priorities? Just sayin’…) At any rate, I’m back and I’m going to make a sincere effort not to disappear again for months at a time. But no promises. I’m not going to set myself up for failure or anything.

For those of you who have been wondering what I’ve been up to and why I haven’t written, I’m going to attempt to explain myself. The answer to the latter question is a very simple one: I didn’t write because I couldn’t write. I’m sure there are writers out there who can whip out a piece on a whim, any old time, regardless of circumstances or their emotional state. I’m not one of them. Perhaps that means I’m not a real writer, and if so, so be it. But for me, writer’s block isn’t just a speed bump or a hurdle, it’s a fucking mountain and sometimes it takes me awhile to get over it. Which leads me to the answer to the first question: What have I been up to?

To say I’ve had a lot going on these past few months is an understatement and, quite frankly, a euphemism. March, in particular, put me through the wringer. I started the month off by getting so sick that I missed several days of work. Of course, when it rains, it pours, so my dog Buddy also got extremely ill during that time, prompting a very expensive trip to the vet. (He’s fine now, thank goodness!) Upon returning to work, I had what can quite accurately (and without hyperbole) be described as the worst week ever of my professional career. Which sucked. A lot. But on the upside, it forced me to confront the fact that I was working a job that really wasn’t for me. I had spent the few months I had worked at that company feeling miserable but fairly comfortable because I worked with my best friend. Once it became uncomfortable, I knew a difficult decision had to be made. While I was contemplating my next move, the following week I received the charming news that my ex of 5 years, who I had broken up with only 13 months prior, had gotten married. Now, this is not someone I want back. It was a bad relationship and a bad situation, and not a day goes by that I’m not happy to be done with it. HOWEVER, his lightening-fast marriage really cast a spotlight on just how much I wasted 5 years of my life that I’ll never get back. I thought I had reached this awesome place of acceptance and closure, but that news got me pissed off all over again. Oh, and I found out on FACEBOOK. While at my horrible job. On the day I had planned to tender my resignation. So, yeah… I pretty much felt like this:

fuck-all-the-things

After all that, I went home and took a long hard look at my life. Well, first I got drunk. (I’d like to take a moment to thank the makers of Don Julio Blanco Tequila. You guys have really gotten me through some shit, and for that I am eternally grateful.) But after the tequila wore off, I honestly did do some soul searching. I knew I had to quit my job. I knew I needed to figure out what to do with my life, and I knew I needed to get my proverbial “house” in order. (As well as my literal house! I still had boxes laying around that I hadn’t unpacked since I moved to my place in November. Shameful, I know.) Part of the problem I had been experiencing was that I was so focused on all of the negative aspects of my life, that I wasn’t able to fully enjoy the positive ones. And let me tell you, despite all the fuckery that March threw my way, there were some really GREAT things happening in my life. For one thing, due to some really crazy circumstances, I found myself in the best financial position that I’ve ever been in. (No, I didn’t rob a bank, but I’m flattered that you think I could pull that off!) This allowed me the freedom to be able to quit my job and take this time to get my life back on track. But more significantly, I found myself in an actually healthy relationship *Gasp!* with a wonderful man who, I swear, I fall more in love with every time I’m with him. Gag all you want, but it’s MY blog and I can get all schmoopy if I want to. So there! (And for those of you who might be wondering, yes it is 90’s Music Guy from my first post. For all my bashing on OkCupid, it actually worked. Whodathunkit?!)

Once I quit my job, which was a big deal for me because I’ve always been a worker bee, I got down to the business of trying to figure out what I want. You guys I shit you not, for me, figuring out what I want out of life is the hardest thing in the world. Without going into detail, I had a terrible childhood and upbringing due in large part to my narcissistic (and possibly sociopathic) heroin addict mother who was as emotionally abusive when she was sober as she was when she was high. There’s only so many times, day after day, that you can be told you’re not good enough before you start to believe it, and so I believed it. I truly believed that my life was difficult because I deserved to struggle. This manifested itself in just about everything I did. I was constantly putting stumbling blocks in my own way. I was my own worst enemy and a master of self-sabotage. I consistently entered into relationships with emotionally unavailable men because I thought I only deserved to be with someone who was (and I quote myself here) “as fucked up as I am.” I dropped out of college. I stopped making plans. And honestly, I stayed in that place of stagnation and self-flagellation until 2013, when I finally decided to remove myself from my comfort zone and make some changes. But even then, I was still just surviving. The fear of the unknown was so great, the pressure to answer the question “What am I doing with my life?” was so crushing, that I decided to try and fill my life with as many distractions as possible to avoid having to think about it. I was wildly successful in that endeavor. Until the end of March.

Without knowing exactly how to find the answer to that question on my own, I sought out help. I’m extremely lucky that a very good friend of mine happens to be an amazing healer. She’s an acupuncturist, an ordained minister, a psychic medium, a life coach, and an all-around awesome human being who has experienced more than her own fair share of struggles. With her guidance, I started meditating regularly, as well as taking other steps to enrich my life and suss out my true calling. I’ve never considered myself a spiritual person, (20 years of having organized religion shoved down my throat soured me on the concept of God) but lately, I’m starting to feel like perhaps there is a bigger purpose for my life, and that’s exciting. With my time off, not only have I had a chance to start getting myself in better shape, but I’ve also had to time to really cultivate my relationships with the people who matter most to me. I feel like I’ve been able to really be there for my friends. I’ve also been able to spend more time with my cousin (who is more like my sister) and to become the kind of aunt to her son that I’d always wanted to be. On dates with my boyfriend, I’m able to thoroughly enjoy my time with him without feeling distracted by all the stress in my life. And most importantly, I’ve learned to focus on and appreciate the positive, rather than dwelling on the negative.

I’m still not entirely sure what my purpose is, but I feel like I’m getting closer. I don’t know exactly what will make me happy, but I know that I’m a much happier person now than I was three months ago. And so, the next time someone asks me “What are you doing with your life?” I’m going to tell them that I’m living it to the fullest. That I’m learning how to love myself for the first time in 31 years. That I’m building a foundation that will last a lifetime, so that when things do get stressful, when shit gets difficult again (and it will), I’ll know how to manage it better this time.

So, there you have it. That’s why I needed a break, and that’s why I haven’t been writing. I know it got a bit heavy, given the previous subject matter on this blog, and trust me, I don’t intend for this to be the new norm. I plan to get back to the usual sassy bullshit you’ve learned to expect from me. (Besides, I owe my friend Isabel a post dedicated entirely to boobs, and I intend to make good on that promise.) But I’d like to thank you all for reading. It helped me a lot just to write this all out, and who knows? Maybe it will resonate with some of you who are dealing with similar issues. I hope so. Because at the end of the day, we all deserve to be happy. Except clowns. Clowns deserve to suffer for all eternity for being so fucking creepy. And on that note, good night!

 

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Feb 24 2014
5 Comments
Okaaaaaaay, Cupid…

The Greatest Terrible OkCupid Message EVER!

I’m aware that there have likely been millions, if not billions of terrible OkCupid messages sent since the site was first created. They can be creepy, condescending, incomprehensible, awkward, ridiculous, and sometimes, downright mean. However, I’m going to go on record as saying that the message you’re about to read is the absolute BEST of the WORST when it comes to messages on OkCupid. It’s got it all: Desperation, Delusion, Misogyny, Fat Shaming… (Aside: If you read that in Stefon’s voice, you might be my soulmate. Just sayin’.) Seriously, you guys, it’s amazingly, awesomely bad. So without further hesitation, I give you the following message, which I received from a 45 year old San Diego man who goes by Mbainsd on OkCupid… (Posted in it’s entirety with bold portions added by yours truly for effect. A full analysis of the text will be provided below the message.)

“OK, so here we are..looking for a new and lasting relationship. The internet is a double-edged sword..you have access to a great number of people, but with one wrong move or a misinterpreted statement, with just click of a mouse, we are HISTORY, gone..and the woman is onto the next ad. But, as you may already have experienced it, most people in here are not worth it and you may not like me, in that case I will give you 2 options, if you don’t like me please go to option 2:

Option 1:

You sound very nice. If you enjoy the company of smart educated upscale men I would welcome an opportunity to getting to know you. I have a BS in Industrial and Mechanical Engineering and I’m also an MBA graduate. I’m a 45/6’3″/180#, clean cut, classy, old fashioned, well dressed and trendy man, with excellent manners, sense of humor, and very handsome (ask my Mom), but a bad speller. I enjoy different activities, including traveling, dancing, jogging, tennis, snow skiing, movies (at home or theater), concerts, restaurants, cooking, people watching, Sea World, Disneyland and the Zoo. I also would like to learn how to roller blade, and taking salsa classes. I am a nonsmoker nondrinker, and of course I don’t do any drugs. I enjoy a healthy life style, including exercising and healthy eating. I am a divorced father of one little boy, with shared custody. I live in San Diego. I work for a manufacturing company as the VP of Operations. We have plants in Europe, Mexico and also in the US. I also teach part time at a local university in San Diego in the School of Business/MBA program. I look forward to hearing back from you.

Option 2:

I know you are not looking for a man like me, but do you have a friend/relative looking for an educated, upscale, tall, handsome, slim and fit, well dressed and sometimes a good cook kind of man? I am 6’3”/180#, MBA graduate and Mechanical Engineer. As the MasterCard commercial says: Brand New House…One Million Dollar, Mercedes S63…$160,000, Range Rover…$105,000, BMW 750…$110,000, Armani Suit…$2,000, Rolex Watch…$10,000, Finding a good man…Priceless. Keep me posted if you think of a smart slim slender thin trim petite fit woman with class and a sense of fashion looking for a great man. A stay at home wife/soccer mom wanna be will be a plus, but if she wants to work she can always run one of my businesses. It’s easier to schedule trips and travel when only one mate works. Best of luck with your ad.”

Did you get all that? Wanna read it again, just to make sure? Okay, good. Let’s dive into this mess, shall we? The first paragraph isn’t too bad. It reads like countless other opening paragraphs of OkCupid messages I’ve received. An awkward first line, a little “cover your ass” statement about how he could be misinterpreted and the lamentation that his message might go unacknowledged (Spoiler Alert: It did.). But then, it suddenly gets interesting when he decides to “give you 2 options” and without telling you really anything about himself, instructs you to go to “Option 2” if you don’t like him. Well thanks so much, random internet dude, for giving me my options! My feeble lady brain might not have otherwise figured out what to do with your message. Seriously, I might have ended up staring at my computer screen blankly for days had you not instructed me on exactly what I should be doing. Phew! That was a close one…

Okay, let’s look at Option 1. After all, we don’t really know yet that we don’t like him, so we should probably start there instead of proceeding directly to Option 2, right? Right. So what do we have here? He opens strong with a compliment: “You sound very nice.” Why thank you, kind sir! Unfortunately, he follows it up with this line: “If you enjoy the company of smart educated upscale men I would welcome an opportunity to getting to know you.” Hmmm… Most of the smart, educated men I’ve come into contact with not only understand the value of a strategically placed comma, but they know the proper usage of the verb “get”. Yeah, okay, I’m being a grammar nazi here, and I recognize that. But if you’re going to use several adjectives to describe your intellect, then you should probably have the writing skills to back it up. (God help me if there is so much as one mistake in this blog post. You all are going to crucify me, aren’t you? Meh. I’ll probably deserve it.) Anyway… He goes on to offer some details about himself (with appropriate citations, of course. Just ask his mom!) and gives us a laundry list of interests that seem entirely generic to me, but I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt at this point and assume he really is into rollerblading and salsa dancing. But here’s where he really starts to lose me: “I am a nonsmoker nondrinker, and of course I don’t do any drugs.” Clearly, this man is no fun at all. (And CLEARLY he did not read my profile because this gal loves her craft beer and G&Ts!) Sorry, man. I’m pretty sure we’re not meant to be together. I’m seriously considering just skipping directly to Option 2 at this point, but I’m polite, so I’m going to read the rest of this paragraph. (Blah blah… divorced, father, work stuff… blah blah…) “I look forward to hearing back from you.” Yeeeeaaaah… Probably not gonna happen though.

Okay, on to Option 2. You’ve already read the message so you know that this is where it REALLY gets good. You start to see a little bit of crazy coming through in those first two paragraphs, but Option 2 is where he really throws caution to the wind and lets his big ol’ freak flag fly! Straight out the gate he opens with “I know you are not looking for a man like me, but do you have a friend/relative looking for an educated, upscale, tall, handsome, slim and fit, well dressed and sometimes a good cook kind of man?” Okay, guy, here’s something you should know about me: If I don’t think you’re good enough to date me, then you SURE AS HELL aren’t good enough to date one of my awesome friends! We’re talking about some of the most amazing women in the world, for Christ’s sake! Not. A. Chance. (Besides, you’re only “sometimes a good cook…” Child, please!) Oh, but you obviously think you can sway my opinion by creating an asinine list of all the fancy shit you own in the style of an advertising campaign that has been played out for a decade now. “As the MasterCard commercial says: Brand New House…One Million Dollar, Mercedes S63…$160,000, Range Rover…$105,000, BMW 750…$110,000, Armani Suit…$2,000, Rolex Watch…$10,000, Finding a good man…Priceless.” Finding a good man really is priceless, but you, sir, are a douche bag. Nay! You are the KING of the douche bags! What’s priceless is the fact that I’ll forever have this example to point to if ever someone asks me what I mean when I say “That guy’s a douche bag.” So thanks for that!

This next part is my absolute favorite, though. He wants me to “keep him posted” if I find a “slim slender thin trim petite fit woman” who might be into him. In case you weren’t counting like I was, that’s SIX adjectives he used as a synonym for skinny. Cut the crap, man. Just say “No fatties!” like the rest of your fellow OkCupid assclowns and call it a day. Oh, and by the way, did you even bother to look at my photos? Because darlin’, none of those words could be used to describe me! Why did you even message me in the first place? Wait… Now I get it! Those first two paragraphs were a (not so) clever ruse to get me to hook you up with one of my skinny friends, weren’t they?! Well, guess what, homeboy? This fat girl isn’t so easily manipulated.

Just when you start to think, “Okay, that’s obviously the worst of it, right? He’s already exposed himself as a rich, clueless, fat-phobic douche bag. There’s nothing left!” He hits you with some good old fashioned misogyny. (That’s a BINGO for those of you who are playing along.) “A stay at home wife/soccer mom wanna be will be a plus, but if she wants to work she can always run one of my businesses. It’s easier to schedule trips and travel when only one mate works.” Wooooow… Allow me to translate this for those of you who aren’t fluent in Mansplaining: “Take off your shoes, let me put a baby in you, get back to the kitchen and make me a sandwich, bitch!” So here’s the thing: This man doesn’t want a woman, he wants a maid that he can fuck sometimes. He doesn’t want a partner, he wants a mindless drone that he can control. He’s not looking for a companion, he’s looking for arm candy to show off in public and abuse in private. It’s fucking pathetic. Men like this should all go die in a fire. So let’s all give a big double finger salute to Mr. Mbainsd, for giving us the best example I’ve found of how NOT to pick up women.

Oh, and here’s a picture of this winner, because I know you’re all dying to see what a magnificent specimen he is…

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Feb 21 2014
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Ruminations

First Post!

I figure this is a decent enough topic for a first post, since it’s one of the bigger issues I’m dealing with at this point in my life. Some background… I’m in my early 30s. I’m single (obviously). I got out of a 5 year, long term relationship about a year ago, and I only recently started to feel like I was really ready to move on. The past year can be broken up as follows: 3-4 months grieving the loss of a relationship that I thought would result in marriage, 2-3 months of irrational anger towards my ex and his new girlfriend, remaining time spent partaking in some sort of partying/therapy hybrid mode with my very best friends. (Is there anything that time, some venting, and a fuck ton of gin & tonics won’t fix? If there is, I haven’t encountered it yet and I don’t want to.)

The other notable point I should probably make before I move on to discussing my process and feelings about dating on the interwebs is that I’m kind of fat. (GASP! SHOCK!) Yeah, that’s right, I said it. I’m kind of fat. Before you concern troll me, know that I’m not morbidly obese or anything, but I’ve definitely been shamed by various ex-boyfriends, mean girls, and one very snarky Wii Fit avatar. You might be wondering why this is even relevant. Perhaps you think I’m fishing for compliments, but let me assure you that I’m not. (And I’m rather terrible at accepting them, so if you were thinking of showering me with platitudes or using friendly euphemisms like “voluptuous”, just save it. I honestly hate that shit.) My weight is relevant to this conversation because I’m about 50-70 lbs too heavy to fit in with the conventional beauty standards that reign supreme here in Sunny San Diego. As such, my online dating experience is going to differ wildly from someone who is petite and conventionally attractive, and I feel it’s important to make that distinction so as to remain relatable.

At any rate, let’s talk about online dating, shall we? My online dating cesspool of choice is OkCupid, though I’m sure there’s not a whole lot of difference in user experiences on that site vs. other sites like Plenty of Fish or Match.com. I keep trying to convince myself that perhaps people are less creepy on sites that require you to pay for them, but I recently (and noncommittally) dipped my toes into the Match.com pool, and if anything, those dudes seem even more creepy than the OkCupid guys, so I’m back to square one with that theory. Anyway, like any other living, breathing woman with a pulse and the ability to take a reasonably flattering selfie, my profile gets a pretty decent amount of traffic. Not size 4, athletic, blonde girl traffic, mind you, but I still get multiple messages every day, particularly on days when I actually bother to go online and check out profiles.

Many of the messages I get are extremely short, poorly punctuated fragments like “hello” or “hey there” or the ever eloquent “what’s good beautiful”. And then there are the messages that are laughably terrible, the best of which I plan to post for your amusement under the “Okaaaaaaay Cupid…” tag on this blog. But every now and again, I get a decent, thoughtful message from a guy who doesn’t have a neckbeard and isn’t wearing a fedora, and I won’t lie, I get really excited when that happens. However, that sets into motion what I like to call the Online Dating Vetting Process.

First and foremost, I thoroughly read through a guy’s profile to try and suss out any trace evidence that there might be a fedora or 20 hidden in his closet, and he’s just wised up to the fact that he shouldn’t wear them in his profile pictures. Anything like a list of attributes women shouldn’t have is a clear red flag. Comments like “Most women are (insert gender specific stereotype here)” are a red flag. Phrases like, “I’m a nice guy!” or “Are you looking for someone who will treat you the way a woman should be treated?” Yep. You guessed it. Red. Flag. And last, but not least, if someone lists Atlas Shrugged as a favorite book or Ayn Rand as a favorite author… HUGE FUCKING RED FLAG. (People who are really into Ayn Rand are sociopaths and should be avoided at all costs. Sorry-not-sorry.)

Next, it’s time to look at pictures. That’s right, ladies and gents! I don’t look at the photos first. You know why? Because I don’t believe looks are the most important thing. Maybe you do, and that’s cool. But I’m all about those big, sexy brains. So if a guy knocks my socks off with an awesome profile, those few extra pounds or that lack of a full head of hair isn’t really going to bother me. Sure, looks matter to an extent, and anyone who says otherwise is probably lying. But given that I spend a fair amount of time challenging conventional beauty standards, it would be hypocritical of me to impose them on the people I’m trying to date. So, while I’m scrutinizing the pictures, here are the things I look for: Sincerity. Merriment (There’s nothing worse than someone who is trying to look “too cool for school” in every damn picture. SMILE ONCE IN AWHILE!). The ability to not take oneself too seriously. And lastly, I tend to be wary of guys who have a girl with them in every single photo. I get that maybe you’re not the type to take photos on your own, but come on! Ever heard of the “crop” tool? You can do that on your phone now, even! You know what makes a girl feel uneasy? The idea that she’s might end up going out with a guy who is so clearly hung up on his “best friend” that he left her in every single picture he posted on his online dating site. Cut that shit out, fellas! (To be honest, this advice isn’t just for the fellas. Ladies, same rules apply. On or two friend photos? Awesome. But you have to have some individual photos in the mix too.)

Lastly, and I realize that this is unique to OkCupid, I read the answers to his questions and compare them against mine. This is often even more telling than the profile itself, especially if you happen to find someone who explains his answers. Sure, an 85% match score probably seems quite high, until you’re scrolling through his answers and realize that he considers it impossible for someone to be attractive if they are even slightly overweight and also, he thinks it’s okay to use other peoples’ toothbrushes. (There really is a question for everything. Thanks OkCupid!) If by some small miracle, someone manages to get through these three levels of scrutiny and still seems like a cool guy, then it’s time to write a response message.

the best messages that I receive on OkCupid are the ones that make reference to something in my profile, and ask me questions about it. For example, I’m a big fan of 90’s rock and alternative music (because I’m awesome) and I talk about that in the “My Favorites” portion of my profile. One of the best messages I’ve received lately was from a guy who stated that he was also very into 90’s music, and asked the following: “If you could make an ultimate 90’s playlist using only 5 songs, which 5 songs would you choose?” Guys, I might still have responded to that message if the dude was wearing a fedora in his profile photo and started the message with “M’lady…” That’s how enthusiastic I am about talking about my favorite songs from the 90’s. (Thankfully that wasn’t the case and he seems like a pretty cool guy.) Needless to say, I wrote back.

I like to give it a maximum of 5 messages (combined for both of us) before someone sets a date to meetup, and honestly, sooner is better in my opinion. That’s because the absolute, single most important thing I’ve learned in my time spent dating online is that I can’t gauge chemistry without meeting in person. I can’t tell you how many really cute guys with great profiles who wrote awesome messages and with whom I had great banter ended up being completely underwhelming when I met them in person. (And in many cases, I suspect the feeling was mutual.) You just never can tell. So rather than waste my time messaging back and forth for weeks, I like to set up a meeting as soon as possible so that I can determine whether or not there’s even a snowball’s chance in hell of things moving forward.

This leads me to what I consider to be the most difficult part of online dating, hands down. Waiting for the first date. Friends, let me be honest for a minute and tell you that I have absolutely no idea what to think or how to feel leading up to a first date with someone I’ve met online. And I’ve gone on dozens of them by this point! Here’s the thing… Because I know that you can’t really determine whether or not you’ll have chemistry based on the messages you’ve exchanged, I try not to let myself get my hopes up too much because that just seems like I’m setting myself up for disappointment. (I’ve gone on a lot of first dates, but only a handful of second dates, and even fewer third dates. Only one guy so far has made it past date three, and he was really amazing, but sadly, a relationship just wasn’t in the cards for us.) On the other hand, though, I feel like I’m setting these poor guys up for failure. All those bad first dates have made me jaded, and my first instinct is just to expect mediocrity, but I know that’s really not fair. I would hate it if I knew someone was thinking of me that way. So if apathy is bad, but caring too much is also bad, what’s left? I don’t know if I’ll ever find an answer to that question. For now, the days prior to an OkCupid date always make me feel a little manic. I fluctuate between getting really excited, and then counteracting that excitement with a large dose of cynicism. I’m hopeful, but realistic. I give bullshit answers when people ask me questions like, “Are you excited?” because honestly, it’s not even worth it to try and explain these feelings to someone else who is probably just making polite conversation and doesn’t really care anyway.

So yeah. Those are my thoughts on online dating. I kind of hate it, but since I’m no longer in school and there aren’t an abundance of available single men in my established social sphere, I find it to be a necessary evil if I want to actually meet new people. A friend of mine described it thusly: “You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince!” and man, ain’t that the truth! But it only takes one awesome guy to make the experience worthwhile, and I’m still optimistic. I even have a third date scheduled for tomorrow night with 90’s Music Guy, so wish me luck!

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