Monthly Archives: May 2014

May 25 2014
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Ruminations

On Feminism…

Today, I was asked by a friend to explain why I thought feminism was relevant. The conversation was in regards to the videos posted by the man who went on a shooting spree in Santa Barbara last night.

A link to the specific video in question can be found here:

http://jezebel.com/suspected-ucsb-shooter-posted-disturbing-video-detailin-1581072674

And additional videos he made can be found here:

http://jezebel.com/elliot-rodgers-final-videos-racist-postings-leaked-1581163115

(TRIGGER WARNING ON ALL OF THOSE VIDEOS.)

Basically, I posited that the mentality of this clearly disturbed, deeply misogynistic man is, in itself, an example of why we need feminism. A friend of mine required further clarification of that statement, so I took some time to think about it and tried my best to explain my reasoning to him. The paragraphs below are what I came up with. I thought it might make for a good addition to this blog, because feminism is important to me, and maybe this will help people understand where I’m coming from.

I think, first and foremost, it’s important to define what “feminism” means to me, because there are a lot of people who would assume that by calling myself a feminist, I must hate men, or that I want to establish a matriarchy that would give all the power to women. That’s nonsense. What I want is equal rights. I could just as easily call it “humanism”, but for the specific issue we’re talking about here, it’s dealing with the fact that women are being looked down upon, and so I’ll call it feminism. For me, feminism is about empowering women and girls, helping them to realize that their value as people is measured in more ways than just how men perceive them, which I think is important in a society that consistently objectifies and sexualizes our gender. Feminism is also about letting women have control over their own bodies. You asked for examples of society marginalizing women, well, how about the fact that half of our country doesn’t believe that I should have the right to decide whether or not I’d like to reproduce. (But I’ll save the lengthy discussion about abortion and birth control for another day.) Another example of the need for equality is the gender gap in pay, as well as the general way in which working women are expected to “have it all” (which really means “do it all”) whereas you never here this ridiculous concept applied to men.

But in this specific instance, in this video, you have an obviously disturbed individual who flat out says that he wants to kill women because they rejected him. He clearly states that he believes he’s entitled to the love and affection of these women, when any rational person knows that you are never entitled to the affection of another person. I want to be clear in the fact that I don’t believe all men think this way. I know they don’t. (Because, for the record, men can be feminists too. I’m dating one.) But a simple internet search of the term “friendzone” will bring up scores of forums and subreddits filled with men spouting these exact same principles of entitlement. It’s joked about in movies and on TV. Memes about it go viral. It’s commonplace to label women as a bunch of bitches who only date super aggressive bad boys and ignore these poor “nice guys.” Here’s the thing, if you’re only being nice to someone because you expect something in return, you’re not nice. You’re manipulative. The whole idea of “Nice Guys” and “The Friendzone” basically takes responsibility off of the guy in question and places it solely on the woman. It’s not that he was being a manipulative ass, it’s that she’s being a frigid bitch. It’s dangerous that this mindset has become so commonplace because, as we’ve just seen, it can pervade the minds of those people who are already deeply disturbed and make them feel like these “bitches” who are reduced to sub-human standards deserve to die. Or deserve to be raped. Or deserved to be harassed to no end on the internet. Pick your poison, and I guarantee you that some asshole has done it to a woman because “she deserved it.”

To try and divorce this guy’s obvious misogyny from his actions, to say that it’s only a result of being depressed or mentally ill, is frankly preposterous. Of course he’s mentally ill. He also hates women. If he had posted a video saying he hated black people right before he went and shot a bunch of black people, we wouldn’t be arguing over whether or not he was depressed or mentally ill, we’d be calling him a racist. People would not be out of line in calling for a societal response to that sort of thing. And guess what? We have! That’s how hate crime legislation came about. And yet, in our society, when someone commits a very obvious crime against women, there is no stricter punishment. In fact, you’ll find that drug offenses are often punished more severely than rape and sexual assault. Oh, and don’t even get me started on how the onus is so often placed on the victim to prove that she was raped, rather than on the rapist. Because, depending on where we are, what we’re wearing, how much we drink, etc… we’re potentially “asking for it.”

And so I speak out about these things. Yes, I’m passionate about the need for feminism because I see so many examples every day of the inequality that surrounds me. Right now, there are more people (or maybe just louder people) spouting the rhetoric that women are not equal to men than there are people who are standing up for our rights. But I feel like the more people hear a different opinion, the more they’ll start to listen to it. Again, I don’t expect to change everyone’s mind. But I want to challenge people to examine their beliefs. It’s not okay that women make less in this country than men, simply because we’re women. It’s not okay that we’re being told we shouldn’t have the final say over our own reproductive rights. And it’s really not okay that the internet at large seems to think it’s the responsibility of women to indulge the desires of men we don’t want just because “they’re nice”, and if we don’t, well then maybe we deserve the consequences.

I hope that is enough of an explanation for you. I could go on and on, but I feel like it would be more productive to have a conversation about it in person rather than trading comments on a Facebook post. And if you really are interested in feminism, I highly suggest you research it more. There are plenty of women out there who have articulated the need for feminism far better than I just have.

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May 14 2014
1 Comment
Rants

Big Fat Rant

I’m sure by now many of you have seen this video. You’ve probably also read one of the ten thousand opinion pieces that have already been written about it. I’m not usually one to jump on the “This issue went viral so I better dissect it to death” bandwagon, but this happens to be an issue that really resonates with me, so I’ve decided to weigh in (no pun intended… well maybe) and tell you what I think. I feel like it’s a safe assumption that if you’re reading this, you actually care to know my opinion and so you shall have it. Ready? Okay, here we go!

I’m a fat girl. I’m not morbidly obese, but I’m definitely at least 50 pounds heavier than I should be, if not more, depending on who you talk to and how skinny they think women should be. One guy once told me that at 5’5″, I should ideally weigh about 100 pounds. I think I was in elementary school the last time I weighed that. Also, that guy can go fuck himself. But I digress… My point is, everyone seems to have an opinion of what women should look like, women included, and that sucks. You know why? Because we’re all different and we’re not all supposed to look the same. I’m not sure when exactly the standard for beauty became so homogeneous (tall, skinny, white girls, anyone?) but it honestly makes me really sad. Because this need to reduce what’s considered desirable to it’s simplest form really stifles the complexity and variety of attraction. In other words, society dictates that we should all want this one thing (or that we should want to be that one thing in order to be desired) but many, if not most of us have much more varied tastes. However, because most people inherently crave acceptance, there is incredible pressure to put our actual desires on the back burner in order to conform to societal norms. And when that happens, people get left out. Fat girls (and guys) get left out. Short guys get left out. People of color get left out. People with disabilities get left out. This rampant close-mindedness about what constitutes beauty is excluding a HUGE portion of of our society, and quite frankly, that’s bullshit. It pisses me off. There’s so much beauty in this world and here we are, chasing only one aspect of it! SO FRUSTRATING!

Now, I’m not saying that we should immediately start ignoring everyone who is conventionally attractive or calling them ugly. That would negate the whole point I’m trying to make, which is that beauty comes in ALL shapes and sizes. What I’m saying is that I think it’s high time that we all stop being so afraid of being different. And stop being so afraid to date someone different! I think it’s beautifully expressed in that clip just how obsessed we are with what other people think of us based on who we date. Not only does she spell it out when she flatly accuses Louie of just that, but if you look at his body language and facial expressions even before that part of the conversation, he’s clearly uncomfortable with the idea of being seen with this girl even though he really likes her. I’ve been that girl. I’ve met my fair share of guys who really wanted to fuck me but who would never in a million years want to date me, because it would feel like “settling.” (Seriously, I’ve been told by a man that he didn’t feel like he should “settle” with me. Joke’s on him, though. I’m fucking awesome and not just in bed.) So, the bottom line is, if you like something, go for it. Fuck anyone who might try to shame you for liking someone who’s a little unconventional. Consider, if you will, Sir Mix-A-Lot. That man made a fortune by just being himself and talking about what he likes: big, juicy asses!

That's one happy man!

That’s one happy man!

Of course, the other side of this issue, perhaps the more important side, is learning how to love ourselves and our bodies, because how can we love others when we can’t even love ourselves? This, I realize, is no easy task. It’s taken me YEARS to obtain the tiny shred of appreciation that I have for my body, and I’m still working on it. Even when I was younger and thinner (though I was never actually “skinny”) I hated my body. Now, I look back at pictures of myself and I would gladly sacrifice a few non-essential digits to the Powers That Be in order to look like 20 year-old me again. (Who really needs pinky toes anyway, right?) This self-loathing is so ingrained in me that even when I’ve encountered men and women who have loved my body to the point of practically fetishizing it, I didn’t believe them. I thought, “Surely they’re just humoring me. Or worse, they’re trying to justify to themselves why they’re with someone who looks as hideous as I do.” DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED UP THAT IS?! Which is why, on the journey to improve my life that I mentioned in my last post, I’ve decided to make learning to love my body more a priority. One of the ways I’m working on that is by going to the gym. Not necessarily to lose weight. I have no delusions of looking like a Victoria’s Secret model anytime soon. But I want to get back the things I actually used to like about myself. I used to be terrifically flexible and much stronger, so I’m doing Pilates in the hopes that I’ll regain some of those traits. I used to be much more coordinated (and able to dance) so I’m doing Zumba. (You want to see something hilarious? Come to my gym on Monday mornings to watch this fat, clumsy, white girl try to dance. I can see myself in the mirror, and I can’t help but think that my uncoordinated movements would be better served by playing the Benny Hill theme song than the salsa music that’s usually playing.) But I feel like it’s worth it. In addition to hitting the gym, I’m just trying to appreciate myself more. Rather than focusing on the  love handles or the cellulite, I’m choosing instead to acknowledge that I have really shiny hair, big, pretty eyes, magnificent boobs, and a pretty nicely shaped ass, even if it is a little bigger than I’d like it to be. (If it’s good enough for Sir Mix-A-Lot, it’s good enough for me!)

Lastly, I want to take a minute to address the amount of time we spend shaming ourselves and others for being fat. This behavior is unfortunately so natural in our society that we don’t even notice we’re doing it. A friend of mine posted a very insightful commentary on Facebook about this issue. Specifically, she referenced a conversation in which a woman tried to comfort her friend by telling her that the new girlfriend of her friend’s ex is “fatter than you!” Now obviously this woman meant to be comforting, but unfortunately, she failed. Miserably. I’m sure her friend didn’t really feel better after hearing that. I’ve been hearing similar comments lately, but it usually goes something like, “That girl your ex married might be thinner than you, but she isn’t nearly as pretty.” I understand that my girlfriends are being supportive when they say things like that, and I love them for it. But all I can think when I hear that is, “Oh great! It doesn’t matter how pretty I am because I’m still fat, and that trumps everything else.” Here’s the thing, putting down other people doesn’t ever really make us feel better. Maybe in the short term you get a little burst of instant gratification, but eventually, focusing on something negative only brings up more negative emotions. (That said, I’m nowhere NEAR perfect in this regard. I can be catty as fuck sometimes, but I always end up feeling rather petty afterwards, which sucks.) I think it’s important to weed out this kind of talk as much as possible, and I’m trying to make an honest effort to do so. It’s generally accepted that we shouldn’t go around mocking people with disabilities. Nobody I know would ever say something like, “That girl your ex is dating can’t even walk! She’s in a wheelchair! Haha, stupid cripple!” So let’s please stop saying things like, “At least she’s fatter than you!” I know it’s easy and convenient to think that all fat people are just lazy gluttons who lack self control, but that’s really not often true. You never know the circumstances that dictate a person’s choices. You have no idea what their struggle has been. And oh, by the way, there are lazy gluttons who are skinny and there are fat people who are healthy. Skinny ≠ Healthy.

So that’s my rant. If you enjoyed it, my name is Michaela and thank you for reading. If you didn’t enjoy it, my name is Jimmy Cracked Corn, and you know the rest.

 

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May 09 2014
2 Comments
Ruminations

Living Life vs. Surviving (Or: Why I Needed a Big Fucking Break!)

Hellooooooo readers! I know I’ve been absent for awhile. If I’ve left a big, gaping void in your lives that can only be filled by my snarky, mediocre-at-best ramblings, then you have my sincerest apologies. (Also, maybe it’s time to review your life choices and priorities? Just sayin’…) At any rate, I’m back and I’m going to make a sincere effort not to disappear again for months at a time. But no promises. I’m not going to set myself up for failure or anything.

For those of you who have been wondering what I’ve been up to and why I haven’t written, I’m going to attempt to explain myself. The answer to the latter question is a very simple one: I didn’t write because I couldn’t write. I’m sure there are writers out there who can whip out a piece on a whim, any old time, regardless of circumstances or their emotional state. I’m not one of them. Perhaps that means I’m not a real writer, and if so, so be it. But for me, writer’s block isn’t just a speed bump or a hurdle, it’s a fucking mountain and sometimes it takes me awhile to get over it. Which leads me to the answer to the first question: What have I been up to?

To say I’ve had a lot going on these past few months is an understatement and, quite frankly, a euphemism. March, in particular, put me through the wringer. I started the month off by getting so sick that I missed several days of work. Of course, when it rains, it pours, so my dog Buddy also got extremely ill during that time, prompting a very expensive trip to the vet. (He’s fine now, thank goodness!) Upon returning to work, I had what can quite accurately (and without hyperbole) be described as the worst week ever of my professional career. Which sucked. A lot. But on the upside, it forced me to confront the fact that I was working a job that really wasn’t for me. I had spent the few months I had worked at that company feeling miserable but fairly comfortable because I worked with my best friend. Once it became uncomfortable, I knew a difficult decision had to be made. While I was contemplating my next move, the following week I received the charming news that my ex of 5 years, who I had broken up with only 13 months prior, had gotten married. Now, this is not someone I want back. It was a bad relationship and a bad situation, and not a day goes by that I’m not happy to be done with it. HOWEVER, his lightening-fast marriage really cast a spotlight on just how much I wasted 5 years of my life that I’ll never get back. I thought I had reached this awesome place of acceptance and closure, but that news got me pissed off all over again. Oh, and I found out on FACEBOOK. While at my horrible job. On the day I had planned to tender my resignation. So, yeah… I pretty much felt like this:

fuck-all-the-things

After all that, I went home and took a long hard look at my life. Well, first I got drunk. (I’d like to take a moment to thank the makers of Don Julio Blanco Tequila. You guys have really gotten me through some shit, and for that I am eternally grateful.) But after the tequila wore off, I honestly did do some soul searching. I knew I had to quit my job. I knew I needed to figure out what to do with my life, and I knew I needed to get my proverbial “house” in order. (As well as my literal house! I still had boxes laying around that I hadn’t unpacked since I moved to my place in November. Shameful, I know.) Part of the problem I had been experiencing was that I was so focused on all of the negative aspects of my life, that I wasn’t able to fully enjoy the positive ones. And let me tell you, despite all the fuckery that March threw my way, there were some really GREAT things happening in my life. For one thing, due to some really crazy circumstances, I found myself in the best financial position that I’ve ever been in. (No, I didn’t rob a bank, but I’m flattered that you think I could pull that off!) This allowed me the freedom to be able to quit my job and take this time to get my life back on track. But more significantly, I found myself in an actually healthy relationship *Gasp!* with a wonderful man who, I swear, I fall more in love with every time I’m with him. Gag all you want, but it’s MY blog and I can get all schmoopy if I want to. So there! (And for those of you who might be wondering, yes it is 90’s Music Guy from my first post. For all my bashing on OkCupid, it actually worked. Whodathunkit?!)

Once I quit my job, which was a big deal for me because I’ve always been a worker bee, I got down to the business of trying to figure out what I want. You guys I shit you not, for me, figuring out what I want out of life is the hardest thing in the world. Without going into detail, I had a terrible childhood and upbringing due in large part to my narcissistic (and possibly sociopathic) heroin addict mother who was as emotionally abusive when she was sober as she was when she was high. There’s only so many times, day after day, that you can be told you’re not good enough before you start to believe it, and so I believed it. I truly believed that my life was difficult because I deserved to struggle. This manifested itself in just about everything I did. I was constantly putting stumbling blocks in my own way. I was my own worst enemy and a master of self-sabotage. I consistently entered into relationships with emotionally unavailable men because I thought I only deserved to be with someone who was (and I quote myself here) “as fucked up as I am.” I dropped out of college. I stopped making plans. And honestly, I stayed in that place of stagnation and self-flagellation until 2013, when I finally decided to remove myself from my comfort zone and make some changes. But even then, I was still just surviving. The fear of the unknown was so great, the pressure to answer the question “What am I doing with my life?” was so crushing, that I decided to try and fill my life with as many distractions as possible to avoid having to think about it. I was wildly successful in that endeavor. Until the end of March.

Without knowing exactly how to find the answer to that question on my own, I sought out help. I’m extremely lucky that a very good friend of mine happens to be an amazing healer. She’s an acupuncturist, an ordained minister, a psychic medium, a life coach, and an all-around awesome human being who has experienced more than her own fair share of struggles. With her guidance, I started meditating regularly, as well as taking other steps to enrich my life and suss out my true calling. I’ve never considered myself a spiritual person, (20 years of having organized religion shoved down my throat soured me on the concept of God) but lately, I’m starting to feel like perhaps there is a bigger purpose for my life, and that’s exciting. With my time off, not only have I had a chance to start getting myself in better shape, but I’ve also had to time to really cultivate my relationships with the people who matter most to me. I feel like I’ve been able to really be there for my friends. I’ve also been able to spend more time with my cousin (who is more like my sister) and to become the kind of aunt to her son that I’d always wanted to be. On dates with my boyfriend, I’m able to thoroughly enjoy my time with him without feeling distracted by all the stress in my life. And most importantly, I’ve learned to focus on and appreciate the positive, rather than dwelling on the negative.

I’m still not entirely sure what my purpose is, but I feel like I’m getting closer. I don’t know exactly what will make me happy, but I know that I’m a much happier person now than I was three months ago. And so, the next time someone asks me “What are you doing with your life?” I’m going to tell them that I’m living it to the fullest. That I’m learning how to love myself for the first time in 31 years. That I’m building a foundation that will last a lifetime, so that when things do get stressful, when shit gets difficult again (and it will), I’ll know how to manage it better this time.

So, there you have it. That’s why I needed a break, and that’s why I haven’t been writing. I know it got a bit heavy, given the previous subject matter on this blog, and trust me, I don’t intend for this to be the new norm. I plan to get back to the usual sassy bullshit you’ve learned to expect from me. (Besides, I owe my friend Isabel a post dedicated entirely to boobs, and I intend to make good on that promise.) But I’d like to thank you all for reading. It helped me a lot just to write this all out, and who knows? Maybe it will resonate with some of you who are dealing with similar issues. I hope so. Because at the end of the day, we all deserve to be happy. Except clowns. Clowns deserve to suffer for all eternity for being so fucking creepy. And on that note, good night!

 

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